http://twitter.com/xmszmandi
from yours tragically
Read about my day, or whatevers on my mind.
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Wednesday, January 12 @ 10:51 PM
It was weird talking to you today. Really, really weird. I got so scared when you said hi to me even when it was only msn. I didn't know what to do. I'm really scared that one day you're gonna try and get in contact with us again, and I have a feeling that day will come, and when it does, I really don't know what to do. To be honest, I dread that day. I wish things wern't so complicated. It shouldn't be so hard to talk to my own dad, but it is. What's even more nerveracking, is what mum would say or do if you ever tried to approach us. I don't wanna go through all the shit that happened when I was only 11. Those days were like nightmares to me and I honestly don't know how I would continue to live my life normally if it ever repeated itself. I feel so guilty for having a part of me that wishes I had no contact with you whatsoever. But I just keep reminding myself that I have legit reasons for thinking that way. But at the end of the day, the guilt just comes back and all the confusion and not knowing what to do, it all comes back. Everything about you, and family, and everything that happened years ago, it's all been inside of me for so long. And I think it always will be. My own dad. Something I will never openly discuss. Not to friends, not to family. This situation is just one big mess that I will never know how to solve.
It was weird talking to you today. Really, really weird. I got so scared when you said hi to me even when it was only msn. I didn't know what to do. I'm really scared that one day you're gonna try and get in contact with us again, and I have a feeling that day will come, and when it does, I really don't know what to do. To be honest, I dread that day. I wish things wern't so complicated. It shouldn't be so hard to talk to my own dad, but it is. What's even more nerveracking, is what mum would say or do if you ever tried to approach us. I don't wanna go through all the shit that happened when I was only 11. Those days were like nightmares to me and I honestly don't know how I would continue to live my life normally if it ever repeated itself. I feel so guilty for having a part of me that wishes I had no contact with you whatsoever. But I just keep reminding myself that I have legit reasons for thinking that way. But at the end of the day, the guilt just comes back and all the confusion and not knowing what to do, it all comes back. Everything about you, and family, and everything that happened years ago, it's all been inside of me for so long. And I think it always will be. My own dad. Something I will never openly discuss. Not to friends, not to family. This situation is just one big mess that I will never know how to solve.